Conflict: The good, the bad, the ugly: Part 2-The Good!

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 “Peace is not the absence of conflict, it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means.” Ronald Reagan

Editor’s note: Last time, Don and Marva focused on the “bad and ugly” consequences that conflict can cause.  This time we will look at the other side of the coin.

There are times when conflict is necessary and a very healthy thing.  As a long-time professional, Marva reminds us that there is a time for frank, open discussions on topics we might otherwise steer away from.

Conflict needs to be carefully managed.  It is good to have some pre-agreed upon rules of engagement ahead of time, whether that is in your company, family, church, or other organizations.  Based on our combined experience, research, and reading, we suggest the following seven guidelines.

1.  Choose the appropriate venue and forum.  Usually, that means confronting issues in private. Don has often seen casual discussions turn into hostile conflicts in the hallway.  When a conflict arises, have the class and courtesy to suggest that disagreement and discussion move into a private place.

2.  Decide whether now is the appropriate time for a confrontation.  A cooling-off period of a few minutes, a few hours, or even a day or two may be appropriate.  Essentially anyone involved in the conflict should be able to call for a time out.  This is not a permanent deferral.  Make sure you set a definite time and agree not to let it just get swept under the rug one more time.

3.  On the other hand, if it is the proper time, place, and forum, do not let a bully or, in some cases, a boss just dismiss it.  A few years ago, Don was in a meeting where the same unresolved issue that had come up numerous times over the years he decided to bring it up yet again.  Essentially it was along the line of we are all extraordinarily stressed and overloaded, and we were being asked to do even more.  A common practice in many organizations is that they only know how to hit the “Add” button and not subtract something less critical.  At the time of this confrontation, most of my colleagues agreed with me.  Still, they chose not to speak up for whatever reason.  I was dismissed in a sarcastic tone, “We’ve heard all of that before.” (After that I was silently thinking, “We’ve heard it all before because you have never confronted and solved the issue!”)

4 .  Have both sides define what they see the issue as being.  Often, conflicting parties may agree on many points, but they are talking about different concerns and issues.  Take a few minutes to allow each side to state the issue.  This sounds easy, but it is not, and that is why deferral time may be necessary.  Honest, respectful dialog may help you come to appreciate their perspective, their contributions, gifts, talents, and abilities that are different from yours.

5.  Decide who needs to be included and who is not rightly a party to the issues.  But be very careful here.  If you are not, including or excluding people without a rational reason will lead to resentment.

6.  Be open to hearing another person’s viewpoint with respect.  Marva asked someone she knew and respected, who had a very different political view if she could learn more about his viewpoint.  Fortunately, he had written an article defining why he believed that way.  By objectively reading it, she was able to better comprehend his views.  Although it did not cause her to change her fundamental beliefs, it did lead to a higher level of understanding of the other person.

7.  Reassure the parties involved that no one will get fired or shunned (unless, of course, they have violated ethical, moral, or organizational policies.)  One of the ongoing problems that Don will explore in-depth in April is the issue of why so many employees are afraid to speak up.

Now we want to turn our focus specifically to the work environment.  Amy Gallo, an expert consultant in conflict management, wrote one of those timeless Harvard Business Review articles in 2018 titled “Why We Should Be Disagreeing More at Work.”  She categorically states: “Disagreements are an inevitable, normal, and healthy part of relating to other people.  There is no such thing as a conflict-free work environment.  You might dream of working in a peaceful utopia, but it wouldn’t be good for your company, your work, or you.  In fact, disagreements — when managed well — have lots of positive outcomes.”

Here are some concrete benefits of conflict, assuming you use the seven rules we discussed above.

First, you are likely to have better outcomes.  More ideas are put on the table.  The pros and cons of various approaches can be explored.  In many cases, a novel new integrated approach might emerge.

Secondly, it creates opportunities to learn and grow.  Amy says, “As uncomfortable as it may feel when someone challenges your ideas, it’s an opportunity to learn.  By listening and incorporating feedback, you gain experience, try new things, and evolve as a manager.”

Thirdly, it often means improved relationships.  Once people are used to and encouraged to have “good” fights, they actually tend to grow closer.  But her suggestion is contingent on people keeping their egos in check.

Fourthly, it results in higher job satisfaction.  Ms. Gallo says, “When you’re not afraid to constructively disagree about issues at work, you’re likely to be happier to go to the office, be satisfied with what you accomplish, and enjoy interactions with your colleagues.”

Finally, she suggests a more inclusive work environment.  Conflict properly conducted will lead to better ideas from a wider variety of people.

Ms. Gallo has done a series of Ted Talks on conflict.  Here is a link to one of them we highly recommend.  “The Gift of Conflict” https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_e_gallo_the_gift_of_conflict

In the end, by being proactive in resolving conflict, you can be known as an instrument of peace.  One of our favorite prayers by St. Francis of Assisi is: “Lord, make me an instrument of your peace; where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is discord, union; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy.”

We ask you to join us in not shying away from conflict but, in the end, facilitating peace.

Dr. Don Daake is professor emeritus at Olivet Nazarene University, where he taught for 22 years.  He can be contacted directly at ddaake@olivet.edu. Ms. Marva Mingledorff lives in Oklahoma City.  She grew up on a farm in South Dakota with 9 siblings.  Marva spent her career in Oklahoma City, with most of her professional career

Conflict: The good, the bad, the ugly-Part 1

To be published in the Kankakee Daily Journal Wednesday, March 16, 2022

Editor’s note. Ms. Mingledorff from Oklahoma City once again joins Dr. Daake as a co-writer of this two-part series.

“Peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of creative alternatives for responding to conflict — alternatives to passive or aggressive responses, alternatives to violence.”

― Dorothy Thompson

Most of you are familiar with the phrase “The good, the bad, and the ugly.” It was popularized by the movie of that same name. It was marketed as the third and final installment in the Dollars Trilogy, following A Fistful of Dollars and For a Few Dollars More. The series is credited with catapulting Clint Eastwood into stardom.

Usually, when we think of conflict, we tend to focus on the bad and the ugly. We think, “Wouldn’t it be a lovely world if we never had to deal with conflict?” Although conflict may conjure up some painful or negative emotions, the good news is that conflict can also be a positive aspect of life. Even though it might not seem like it when we are in the thick of it!

In this two-part article, we’ll first focus on the bad and the ugly parts of conflict. Next week, we will turn to the potential good in conflict and give you some specific techniques to use. Whether we like it or not, most of us are experienced in conflict. But few of us are experts in conflict resolution. We encounter conflict from day one of our lives–when the doctor gives us that first slap to get our little motor running.

A creative acrostic by Marva can focus our thinking. She suggests asking ourselves eight probing questions. Do we ever Contemplate our role in it? Are we Open to seeing the truth? Is it Necessary to prove ourselves to be right? Are we Fervent to listen? Do we give ourselves Liberty to listen? Are we Intentional to even care? Do we Choose to resolve our differences? Can we Trust that the truth will be revealed amid conflict?

We will examine these questions one at a time. Do we contemplate our role in it? It is easy to see all the reasons it’s the other person’s fault. We all know people who approach life with a chip on their shoulder and are looking to be offended. This is a significant source of the bad and ugly of conflict. Both of us have had this happen to us in the past and sometimes even now. As Ed and I have written about so often in the past this involves emotional intelligence (EI).  It forces us to take a good hard look at ourselves in relationship to the other person’s frame of reference.

Secondly, are we open to seeing the truth? This is especially difficult because of how people want to define truth. Too many times today, people will say, “You have your truth, and I have mine.”  Over the last few years, public conflict has reached a fevered pitch. As Stephen Koonin writes in his book “Unsettled?,” people who declare “the science says and the science is settled” too often use that to shut up the other side. Koonin rightly points out “the science,” when it is being used as a weapon, is NOT science at all. This paradox too often descends into ugly confrontations.

Thirdly, is it necessary we always be right? We need to go into conflict-laden conversations open to accepting reliable sources of information from varying viewpoints. But this takes goodwill from both sides. Suppose we have the attitude that it is necessary to prove we’re right and others are wrong. In that case, the conflict will only escalate, and very little will be accomplished except more hostility.  

Fourthly are we fervent when we listen? That means we’re not just thinking about our next argument and not paying attention. We need to get more serious about intentional listening.

Fifthly, do we give ourselves the liberty to listen? In a previous column, Dr. Daake wrote an article about “learning to listen and listening to learn.”  He defined the Daake Talk Listen Ratio (DTLR)–as the ratio percent of our talking divided by the percent listening. There is special freedom in listening.  But many of us have to force the discipline upon ourselves.

Sixthly, are we intentional in finding a solution? There are times we fear if we listen to another viewpoint, we might become upset, or it will seriously challenge what we believe. We would rather “correct” the other person’s ideas–defined as our viewpoint. During our careers, both of us have seen managers or project leaders walking away thinking they have an agreement. But then nothing happens because unless we listen to others, they don’t really buy in. The conflict goes underground, and either nothing happens, or there may be active sabotage of the non-consensual solution.

Next, do we choose to resolve the conflict or at least after everyone has had their say to support the decision that is made? An honest, open, caring conversation is a choice one can determine in advance of difficult conversations. But be fully aware that some people relish confrontation, and others will avoid it at all costs based on their personalities. Be aware of the other person’s natural preference and take that into account.

Finally, can we trust that an agreement on the truth or solution can be reached if people act in good faith? Or at least believe even if the conflict continues, it can be done respectfully. Martin Luther King reminds us “Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.”

Next week we will focus on why conflict is good, reasonable, and necessary and share some specific techniques that allow us to get the most from it.

Ms. Marva Mingledorff, lives in Oklahoma City. Marva spent her career in Oklahoma City, with most of her professional career in customer service. She is a graduate of Southern Nazarene University.

Dr. Don Daake is Professor Emeritus at Olivet Nazarene University, where he taught for 22 years. He can be contacted directly at ddaake@olivet.edu. If you would like to contact Marva, you can also contact her via Don’s e-mail.