by Dr. Don Daake
Published in the Kankakee Daily Journal by Dr. Don Daake July 22,2020
In Part 1, we defined the problem. In today’s column, we present ideas on handling rudeness–our own and that of others.
Let’s face it; most of us consider ourselves to be pretty good “guys.” But chances are we are all rude at times, even if we don’t intend to be. On the other hand, there are people in this world that use rudeness and crudeness to get their way, dominate people, and show they are in charge. Let’s first consider our own unintentional rudeness.
At times the daily stresses of life get us off balance, and it is easy to come “unglued.” We suddenly find ourselves acting in ways that are uncharacteristic of our normal behavior. A vital antidote is to understand what “gets our goat” and try and avoid or reduce the triggers. One thing I have learned about myself, I do not function well in a conflict situation over the phone. This is especially true when a customer service agent is, either by company policy or their own personality, not helpful and maybe even discourteous. So I have learned writing an e-mail or letter is much more useful for me.
Sometimes without any intention on our part, people may perceive us as discourteous. Again holding myself up as an example, I know when I’m in deep concentration or concerned, I have a frown or even a scowl on my face. When I was still teaching at the Weber Center, people would see me this way and ask what was wrong. What they might perceive as rudeness towards them did not involve them at all. A line from Bobby McFerrin’s classic song Don’t Worry Be Happy puts it this way: “Cause when you worry your face will frown, and that will bring everybody down.”
Try always to be aware of those around you. Greet them, smile, and recognize others present. In short, concentrate on the Emotional Intelligence that Dr. Piatt so often writes about, mainly: Self Awareness and Self-Management. If you have never taken an Emotional Intelligence test, I would highly recommend you buy a copy of Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Bradberry and Greaves. You can find it at Amazon and other booksellers for $18 or less. (Make sure you get a new copy because with the book comes a unique scratch-off code that will allow you to take the online test twice to assess your initial skills and see your growth.) It gives you specific strategies to improve your EI in all four areas. It can be a marriage saver, friend and family development manual, and maybe even save your job or result in a promotion. When I first took it, I was surprised by how much I needed to improve certain facets of my EI.
Many of us are great multi-taskers, but that can result in making another person feel disrespected. A person I know told me how, when she went in to present critical information to her boss, the boss would continue to keeping working on her computer. The boss claimed she heard what was being said, but her behavior was rude, and she likely missed critical information.
During most conversations, most of us are interrupters. To a degree in a normal conversation, that is okay. The better you know somebody (when done to show attention and interest), occasional interrupting is acceptable. But when a person continuously interrupts or tries to finish your sentences, it comes across as impolite. Related to this is the violation of the DTL ratio. While not really an original concept, I refer to it as the Daake Talk/Listen ratio. Conversations are rarely 50/50 in terms of how much we talk versus listen. We all know, and at times ourselves, are guilty of talking 70-95% of the time. We hardly listen at all, because we are so busy thinking of what we are going to say next.
Next time you are having a conversation, do a bit of self-monitoring. The very act of doing so will make for a more balanced conversation. We have all at one time or the other been the “victim” of a non-stop talker. It is okay to interrupt them. But eventually, you have to just politely make an excuse to escape!
Now, what about the other group, where people are deliberately rude or even crude or vulgar to get their way. There are entire books written on dealing with bad behavior and bullying, but let me suggest an article from an Entrepreneur Magazine article that gives ten strategies. I highly recommend reading this and printing out a copy https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/336846
Let me share four of them, and you can retrieve the rest. First, stop the spiral of rudeness. As the article says, “Rude behavior can spread like a disease if you let it. One act of rudeness can easily spiral and cause other acts of rudeness, spreading foul tempers and poor behavior in its wake.”
Secondly, react to rudeness with kindness. Take the high road. It will often diffuse the situation. But if it doesn’t work, you have the satisfaction of knowing you tried. About 2700 years ago, the writer of Proverbs 25:21-22 wrote, “If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat, and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. For in so doing, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the LORD will reward you.”
Thirdly, call the person out on his or her behavior. For most of us, this isn’t easy to do. But sometimes it is the only possible course of action. I’d suggest if you are going to do this, have a neutral third party there to evaluate what is going on.
Fourthly, when at all possible, avoid the rude person. When all else fails, sidestep, or minimize the time with the offender.
Rudeness is nothing new. But whatever we can do to make it a kinder world is worth the effort.
Don Daake, MBA, Ph.D. and Professor Emeritus, holds degrees from Kansas State University, the University of Iowa, and the Florida State University. He can be contacted through the Daily Journal at editors@daily-journal.com or directly at ddaake@olivet.edu
Dr. Don Daake's Comments 