Learn to listen: Listen to learn

Listening to wise people to get a new perspective: Talk less-Listen more

Listening to Economist Art Laffer

Upcoming publication in Kankakee Daily Journal September 22, 2021

“Most of the successful people I’ve known are the ones who do more listening than talking.” –Bernard Baruch

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” James 1:19

Listen up! Please hear me out! Stop, look and listen.  All these phrases provide sound advice, but the reality is very few of us fully practice them.  Most of us think we have so much to say.  Social media has only made the situation worse. Now admit it, when you post on Facebook, chances are you go back several times to see how many comments and likes you’ve received.  When I put up pictures and especially, on certain days, provocative political posts, I’ll admit I go back to see the responses. On the other hand, I have some friends that rarely post, so I assume they go out and “listen to others.”  Maybe that should be my goal.

The quote of Apostle James is especially relevant. We tend to get his exhortation reversed.  We are quick to speak and slow to listen.  As a result, many times, that leads not only to misunderstandings, but to anger and disgust.

MindTools https://www.mindtools.com/ suggests Five tools regarding listening. First, pay attention and give the speaker your undivided attention.  Have you ever been in conversation with someone that keeps looking over your shoulder, doesn’t look you in the eye, or doesn’t in any way acknowledge what you have to say?  Regardless of his political views, one of the things that made Bill Clinton so effective with people is that he made those he was talking to feel like they were the only person in the room.

And people can sense when we are listening or are busy thinking up what we want to say rather than fully taking in what they are saying.  Our body language, including our facial expression, either confirm we are listening or our mind is wandering.

Secondly, show that you are actively listening. There are many ways you can do this: the occasional nod, and verbal affirmations such as “I see” or “uh-huh.”  An open body posture shows you are paying attention.  When you have the chance to speak, pick up on specific points the other person has made. Also, follow-up with questions or comments that demonstrates you’ve been listening. Sometimes in very busy and demanding fields such as medicine, where time is at a premium, practitioners need to work very hard at this.

Third, provide feedback. Reflecting back with comments such as “What I hear you saying is …” Professors, teachers, pastors, and other professionals that make their living by talking have to be careful here. They are so used to doing lots talking and not as much listening.

For example, I have seen speakers and teachers (and occasionally I have been guilty of this) that ask a question. But when we get comments we just move on without reflecting on what has just been said and working it into the discussion.  For teachers, this is especially difficult when you have a prescribed amount of material you want to get through.  Realistically though, students will forget most of the specific material ten years from now. But a detailed response and acknowledgment of a student, parishioner, patient, or friend will be recalled, years later.

Fourthly, defer judgment.  That does not mean everything goes.  Ultimately you may have to disagree, correct, or provide a counterview.  The important thing (and this is hard for us Type A personalities) is to slow down, listen, ask clarifying questions, and be empathetic.  

One of my best friends in Florida, Randy Vickers, an occasional co-author for this column, has a unique listening style. At first, it took me a while to get used to it. But since he is a counselor and teacher, I have learned a lot from what he does.  If I talk for a while and then stop, rather than he jumping right in, Randy may pause for 3-5 seconds. It shows he is thinking about what I have said and even gives me a chance to add more thoughts. 

This approach is so counter to what happens in most cases. We have all experienced the situation where we barely finish what we have to say, and the other person jumps right on top of our words. And frankly, chances are we do the same thing to others. Randy’s pausing approach is helpful and reassuring that he is genuinely listening.

Finally, respond appropriately.  Read the situation, the body language, and tone of voice. Does the other person really want advice? They may.  Or do they just want to talk something out? If someone is happy, share the happiness with them.  If they are sad, try and be empathetic and reassuring.

Back to the words of the Apostle James and Bernard Baruch. Monitor your talking vs. listening time.  For lack of a better term, I have developed what I call the DTLR-the Daake Talk Listen Ratio.  I’m currently in the process of developing a scale (based on the academic literature and proper statistical methods) to measure this concept accurately and scientifically.

Very few of us enjoy conversations where the other person does 80-90% of the talking and spends the other 10-20% of the time thinking what they want to say next.  (In our heads, but we would never say it out loud, we might hear LeAnn Rimes singing “Big deal, so what, who cares, shut up”). Not that conversations have to be 50/50. It depends on the situation. But I suggest a simple monitoring of ourselves will go a long way to making us better listeners.

Don Daake, MBA, Ph.D. holds degrees from Kansas State University, the University of Iowa, and the Florida State University.  He is professor emeritus at Olivet, where he taught for 22 years. He can be contacted through the Daily Journal at editors@daily-journal.com or directly at ddaake@olivet.edu Over 170 past columns are available for free at his blog site https://daakecomments.wordpress.com/ This library can be searched by topic.

What is the gift of encouragement? A gift that keeps on giving!

Upcoming publication in Kankakee Daily Journal September 8, 2021

Editors Note: Ms. Marva Mingledorff of Oklahoma City, joins Dr. Daake as guest co-author.

Ms. Marva Mingledorff & Dr. Don Daake

“Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be.”

― Ralph Waldo Emerson

In April of 2012, I had a rather unexpected response to my Daily Journal column, “I’ve been promoted to a CEO.” What I was referring to was a new commitment to be a Chief Encouragement Officer.

My brother, Richard, who was a professor at Oklahoma Wesleyan University in Bartlesville, Oklahoma, had one of his friends contact him, congratulating him on his brother (me) being appointed to a CEO position.  Headlines grab our attention. But for some people that is all they read.  You can find the original article at: https://daakecomments.wordpress.com/2012/04/04/kankakee-daily-journal-april-4-2012-i-have-been-promoted-to-a-ceo/

In this column, my longtime friend, Marva Mingledorff, is joining me to offer some thoughts on just what encouragement means and how to be an inspiration to others both in personal and professional situations. She has a valuable real-world perspective having worked at Hertz for 15 years, part-time at Dillard’s for five years, and then finishing her career at The Farmers Insurance Group for 10 years as a Customer Service Associate. Marva will first discuss and illustrate her ideas and then I will conclude the article.

First, understand to encourage is not to interfere, although you may need to be willing to become more involved than you initially intended. I have had occasions when my “encouragement” involved difficult talks.  Tough choices may need to be considered and encouraged.  For example, I had to walk a friend and a family member through the option of separation when there was emotional and physical abuse taking place. Fortunately, both ended up in a safe place. 

Secondly, to encourage is to listen and to be understanding, without always offering advice.  Affirmation of what someone is already doing can be a powerful reinforcement.  Just listening doesn’t always come easy for some of us. But that may be precisely the encouragement the other person needs rather than us talking too much. 

Thirdly, to encourage is to help others be objective when they struggle with decisions and feel stressed.  Discussing the pros and cons or understanding both sides of the story can be helpful.  But a caution here. Sometimes it is better not to get too involved with co-workers or family issues unless you are specifically asked. Asking helpful questions (but only when appropriate) shows you care and is usually a better approach. 

Fourthly, to encourage is to show empathy, but more importantly, be willing to pray for those in need.  Too often, we tell someone we will pray for them but then walk away and forget because of our own concerns.  Sometimes by stopping to pray or offering a word of hope on the spot for someone who is hurting can be a well-timed enormous reassurance. Of course, we always need to be sensitive to the other person’s religious and personal beliefs. But very few people do not appreciate our prayers, even if they do not have a strong faith. 

For our readers who have a strong faith commitment, here is another important option.  Send an uplifting song on YouTube, a Bible passage, or a devotional may be what they need—but having a good relationship before this is important.

In a professional/work setting, to encourage may mean to affirm others.  Many co-workers and even supervisors hear what they need to do differently to improve, but affirmation in what they do goes a long way.  Thanking them for sharing areas of concern with you is also a way to encourage them.  We all need to be open to both critique and affirmation.

I want to illustrate Marva’s last point with two brief personal illustrations.  In my senior year of high school, 1968-1969, I had my American Government class. I have always been interested in politics, government, and history.  My teacher, Mr. Dennis Martin, was one of our newer faculty members, but I really respected and admired him. He was bright, enthused, and had a passion for students. One day towards the end of the semester, he stopped to talk to me for just a minute.  Here is what he had to say “Don, you can do anything in life you want to.” He meant it sincerely, and I believe it was based on the hard work and a proper attitude I had-in no small part due to his example.

Over the last 53 years, I have thought about his comment probably a hundred times. When I got ready to pursue a history degree at Kansas State, I had the confidence to do it. Later going into a demanding and challenging MBA program at the University of Iowa, I thought about his words, and the same thing happened as I changed jobs across the years. Perhaps my biggest challenge was going into a top-rated Business Strategy Ph.D. program at Florida State University. The gift he gave a “nobody farm kid” from a small town in Iowa kept giving over and over again. By the way, across the years, I have tried to locate Mr. Martin and tell him how much his one comment meant to me.  I’ve not been successful in locating him so far, but someday maybe I will.

About a month ago, I was able to reconnect with a former secretary for my department who I had not seen for over 30 years. When Mary (not her real name) came to work for my organization, she did have some good potential skills, but they needed cultivating and development. Because of the people like Mr. Martin, I always tried to encourage those who were working for/with me. Mary grew dramatically and was able to go beyond what she even saw possible.

That evening when we met her and her husband, with tears streaming down her face, she told my wife how I had made such a big difference in her life and career. This is not to say “look at me how great I am,” but rather to encourage you as you plant those seeds of hope and potential. They can spring to life and grow for 50, 60, 70 years, or more.

Marva Mingledorff, is the proud mother of 4 adult children and grandmother of 10 who lives in Oklahoma City. She grew up on a farm in South Dakota with 9 siblings. Marva spent her career in Oklahoma City with most of her professional career in Customer Service. She is a graduate of Southern Nazarene University.

Don Daake, MBA, Ph.D. holds degrees from Kansas State University, the University of Iowa, and the Florida State University.  He is professor emeritus at Olivet, where he taught for 22 years. He can be contacted through the Daily Journal at editors@daily-journal.com or directly at ddaake@olivet.edu.